Yes, you can. And I would dearly appreciate if other Feminists would quit talking about me like I've magically left the room whenever the subject comes up.

I have been a proud Feminist for very nearly my entire life. My mother frequently tells stories about my budding Feminism, dating from kindergarten, but those are for another time. What is important here is that I am a self-identified Feminist who gets involved in politics, donates to Feminist causes, votes, debates with people. I am very secure in my Feminist identity. I am also very secure in my Submissive identity.

Frequently, while reading Feminist forums or websites, someone will bring up the question of sexually submissive Feminists, and just as frequently the majority of the other posters will chime in with how they don't believe any Feminist can be submissive, or how all BDSM is disgusting, or how any man who would engage in BDSM in a dominant or sadistic role must be an abusive monster.

Honestly, that last position bothers me the most.  Mr. Strangiato is one of the kindest, sweetest men I have ever known, and for someone who does not know him to brand him a monster because he caters to my sexual wants and needs infuriates me beyond reason.  I am highly protective of Mr. Strangiato, and don't see this changing any time soon. 

However, in addition to riling me, what it also does is deny me my sexual agency.  It takes a paternalistic approach, informing me that I can't possibly want that, in a tone used by mothers to naughty children begging for things they can't have the world over.  Granted, usually what happens when the subject comes up, is that Submissive Feminists are either told we don't exist, or else we're simply ignored, and the conversation goes on about how awful BDSM is in spite of our trying to speak up and be heard.  I am very sorry that my sexuality is problematic for so many other Feminists, but ignoring me does not change the fact that I, and many other Submissive Feminists exist.  In fact, we engage with you in political forums, we write articles about the mistreatment of women, we raise funds and awareness of women's issues, and, oh, incidentally, we enjoy being tied up and beaten. 

Does the one facet of our personality negate the rest of what we do?  No.  In fact, in most cases, if we didn't out ourselves, you would never know. 

Part of the problem is that too many people don't understand that being submissive in the bedroom does not mean being submissive in real life.  Yes, in the bedroom I am incredibly submissive.  I ask Mr. Strangiato to tie me up, whip me, and a number of other "deviant" activities.  Outside of the bedroom, however, I maintain the household budget.  I make the majority of decisions regarding major household purchases, with input from Mr. Strangiato, of course. 

Most people, including some in the kink scene, who should know better, also don't understand that just because a woman is submissive to one person, it does not follow that she will be submissive to anyone else.  Far from it.  For me the decision to be submissive to someone comes after a long getting to know them period, followed by some serious, serious soul-searching.  I can count the number of people of both genders I've allowed to dominate me on one hand.

What it comes down to is the fact that many of you probably know several kinky, submissive women who are active Feminists and who are incredibly aggressive in real life.  Kink, for myself, Mr. Strangiato, and thousands of other people, is play.  We enjoy it.  We wouldn't want to live without it.  But the roles we play in the bedroom do not dictate our roles out of it, not in the least.  Unfortunately, the reactions of many of our peers leads to a "closeting" of Submissive Feminists who want to be taken seriously. 


I'm terribly sorry for the long delay, things have been hectic in the Strangiato household, and honestly, this article was one of the most difficult I've ever written.  I'm looking forward to updating more frequently now that things are settling down again. 

-Valerie