First, I'd like to second former Surgeon General of the United States Jocelyn Elders in telling you that masturbation is natural, healthy and fun.  There are documented cases of fetuses in utero performing the act, as well as a score of critters from all over the animal kingdom.  Primates are kind of ideally engineered for the act, both genders, but are by far not the only ones who engage in it.  There is nothing evil, weak or unnatural about masturbation. 

Masturbation feels good.  Masturbation relaxes you, soothes you, one of the best "sleeping pills" I can think of, with no side effects.  There's a reason that small children when upset or discomfited will frequently stick a hand in their pants, either gender.  It comforts them. 

Not to mention, as far as mutual sex acts go, mutual masturbation is pretty safe, both from a disease transmission standpoint, and a not getting pregnant standpoint.  Even more so if you do things like use gloves and are very careful to clean all semen off any body parts that might touch the female genitals. 

But I really want to focus on some specific questions that people have asked me, repeatedly, over the years.

How much masturbation is too much?  If you are experiencing chafing, bleeding or pain, you probably masturbate too much.  If you are in danger of losing your job because you're always at home, or in the bathroom, getting yourself off, that is probably too much as well. 

However, if you get yourself off in the morning before you get up, and again at night... You are not masturbating too much.  Even if you have a good wank when you first get home from work, in addition to those two other times, I don't think you're in any danger of doing damage to yourself. 

Now, if you're jerking (or jilling) yourself off in the car, that's a problem.  And it isn't necessarily that you are masturbating too much, but more a matter of doing it in an inappropriate place and inattentive driving.  You could get into an accident.  Granted, you'll be providing some paramedic free drinks for years as he tells the story of the guy/girl they pulled out of a wreck with their hand in their pants.  But that is a sort of public service I think we can all live without. 

Short of doing physical damage to your genitals, or seriously disrupting your ability to live your life, I don't think you can masturbate too much.  And if you are masturbating to the point of bleeding or pain, or it is such a compulsion that you're in danger of losing, or have lost your job, you should  seek the services of a good counselor, because chronic masturbation is probably just a symptom of a potentially serious issue(s). 

Is there such a thing as masturbating too little?  No.  Just as there are some people who can't imagine going through their day without that little "pick me up" in the morning, there are also people who feel no desire or urge to masturbate as well.  There is nothing wrong with that either.  Please visit the archives to read my column on Asexuality. 

Two other questions sort of go hand in hand:

Is masturbation cheating?  No.  Not even if your partner thinks of other people while doing it.  Now, on to the second part of the question.  We'll talk more about "forbidding" your partner to masturbate in a moment.

Why would someone with a partner who is sexually available, and eager right now, choose to masturbate instead of initiating sex?  The answer to this varies.  Sometimes you're just too tired for actual sex.  Even for the person on the bottom of whichever position you prefer, sex requires a fair amount of physical exertion.  And let's face it, after a long hard day, maybe you just don't have the strength or energy for it. 

Sometimes your partner may be looking for the comfort of an orgasm that only they can give themselves.  See what I said above about how small children who are distressed will frequently hold or fondle their own genitals.  It's a comfort thing, and not that an orgasm you provide wouldn't be comforting, but sometimes getting yourself off is like a sexual security blanket, if you will.  It fills an emotional need, a different one than the one than that filled by sex with a partner. 

And sometimes you may not be in the mood, but your partner is.  You have a cold, the flu, you had a bad day at work, you're sad, whatever the reason,  you may not feel like having sex, but they still want a release.  Masturbation fills that need.  And there is nothing wrong with that. 

As partners, you are still individual people, and the needs and wants of even the most committed partners don't always mesh.  Even partners well matched in libido have days where one doesn't feel like having sex while the other is raring to go.

I admit that when Mr. Strangiato and I first got married, I was a bit dismayed by the fact he would frequently masturbate when I was present and willing to have sex with him.  It took me a while to realize that it wasn't an indictment of me, but rather him addressing a need that I couldn't meet.  Like I said before, masturbation is a great "sleeping pill" and sometimes you don't want to have to coax your partner into a state of readiness, and make sure their needs are met as well.  Sometimes you just want a quick wank, and to go to sleep. 

There is nothing wrong with that.  Not at all. 

My partner wants me to promise never to masturbate again, is this reasonable?  No.  The reasons people masturbate are complex, and stem from many sources both psychological and physiological.  If the idea of your masturbating disturbs your partner so greatly, I would urge them to seek professional help to understand why something so harmless and natural bothers them so.  Also, given how frequently most human beings masturbate and the myriad of reasons why, I personally would find such a demand cruel. 

Dictating that someone never touch their own genitals, is both unreasonable and fairly impossible.  I don't know about you, but I wake up with my hands on or near my genitals fairly frequently, as does the Mister.  Particularly if I haven't been having much sex or masturbation while awake. 

My partner only wants to masturbate, to the exclusion of having sex with me?  What's wrong?  Find a good couples (triads/quads) counselor.  If your partner avoids sex with you all the time, there is an issue, or several.  Without knowing the specifics of a given situation, I can't say, but there is something going on, whether it concerns you or them is entirely dependent on the individual situation. 

Why are people so freaked out about masturbation?  Much of western culture's hang up with masturbation comes from a misreading of the Biblical story of Onan.  After Onan's brother died, it was Jewish custom at the time, for the brother of the dead man to marry his widow and get children on her.  Onan didn't want to do that, so instead of coming inside her he "spilled his seed on the ground."  God didn't punish Onan for masturbating, he punished him for not impregnating his brother's widow.  Honestly, it's more of a proscription of birth control than masturbation.

Unfortunately, this misreading of the Bible has wreaked havoc on Western attitudes towards masturbation.  People react quite irrationally to the subject, just ask Dr. Elders, who was forced to resign after she advocated masturbation as a means of cutting down on teen pregnancy rates and for disease control.

I, myself, have not always been immune to societal pressure on the subject, although I have masturbated as far back as I can remember.  Even as a child, though I didn't know what I was doing, only that it felt amazing. However, I only masturbated when alone or without access to a sexual partner.  It took quite a long time for me to come around to Mr. Strangiato's requests of mutual masturbation.  Once I did, I soon realized how utterly ridiculous my attitudes toward mutual masturbation had been.  When two people have had one hell of a day, there's something strangely comforting about whispering fantasies to one another and each seeing to their own pleasure, no need for performance anxiety, no having to worry about whether your partner is getting theirs, just a nice pleasant wank, and then dreamland...

Please, feel free to send me your questions, or even just a topic you would like me to talk about.  Thank you for reading!

-Valerie