I've got a ton of trust issues around the more eccentric forms of sexual activity, well-earned, mind you: Incidents ranging from the high school boyfriend deciding to go make himself a sandwich while I was tied up, to out-of-nowhere attempts at anal penetration. If anyone tries anything too 'interesting' at best I'll walk out, at worst my partner will get the shit beat out of him.
My current partner of 5 years is the sweetest, most wonderful man in the whole world and it's highly unlikely he'd pull any nasty stunts, we've dabbled with the 'more interesting' and I've felt myself filled with overwhelming rage in the middle of it. I'd love to experiment and try new things and most levels I'm up for it, but how the hell do I get past suspecting him of crimes others have committed and unprovoked anger?
-Nationally Geographic
The short answer is, you give him the chance to show you that he isn't going to commit those same crimes. However, both you and I know that once you've experienced that sort of trauma, it is far easier to say that than to do it.
It will take time and a lot of understanding, both on his part and yours. You need to give yourself permission to feel that anger, but you also need to consciously recognize that it isn't him you're angry with. Also, I hope you have discussed this with him, so that he knows what's going on and that he isn't the one who has done something wrong.
Seeing a professional counselor may not be a bad idea. There are several kink friendly counselors in the Seattle area, and I'm sure elsewhere. Or even a not specifically kink-friendly counselor, but just someone you can talk to about what happened in the past and why it is still effecting you.
It may seem like I harp on the idea of counselors or therapy a lot, but that's because I've seen the first hand the value of having a fresh set of ears with no emotional investment in the situation listen to you.
However, if you don't want to go the counseling route here are a few things I can recommend. If you want to explore bondage, then try it using ties and bonds that you can extricate yourself from easily and quickly if you feel panic or anger starting to rise. Knowing that you can physically free yourself if you want to, so that there's no chance of someone leaving you tied up while he's off being a dickhead (even if your current honey would never do that), will probably help.
It is relatively easy to find quick release cuffs in fetish shops or on the internet, but most of those require your partner to let you out, and that's not what we're looking for. You can manufacture your own with velcro or elastic so you'd be able to enjoy the feeling of restraint, but still be able to get loose if you need to. And yeah, probably the first couple of times you will get yourself out of the bonds. But I think you'll find that in time, it will become less and less important to you to be able to get out by yourself. Then, you can perhaps move to quick release cuffs your partner will be responsible for triggering if you need him/her to.
The thing to remember with the majority of the BDSM activities is that they require a GREAT amount of trust in the person with whom you're doing them. And sometimes even if the conscious, intellectual brain knows that you can trust someone, the Lizard brain still says, "But I remember what happened last time!" and acts up. You have to show the Lizard brain that being tied up, or whatever, does NOT always lead to being left tied up alone for ages.
As for any other "new" activities, take it slow. Listen to your feelings and body. If something starts to make you feel uneasy, stop immediately, talk it out with your partner, and perhaps, once you've calmed down, try a different approach. Fear and pain are great motivators, and unfortunately it takes a lot more time to break down the behaviors and responses they create, than it did for them to be created.
