It is, indeed, possible to cheat in an Open or Poly Relationship.

Basically, cheating is any activity that breaks the rules of the relationship as laid out by the people involved in it. These can be anything from strict Monogamy to only sleeping with the folks involved in your Triad/Quad/whatever, to "You can sleep with anyone, but I have to meet them first." Rules can be as concrete or fluid as the people involved in the relationship want them to be.

The problem is that some people are, no matter how open or fluid the rules, unwilling to play by them. Whether this is due to a sexual rush they get from breaking rules or is just amazingly thoughtless, I don't know. But I've known people whose sole rule in the Open relationship was "You have to tell me who you're sleeping with" who managed to cheat. Not, "I have to approve," or even "You have to introduce them to me." Just, "You have to tell me who they are."

So, yes, it is incredibly easy to cheat in even the most open of relationships, and just as easy to cheat in a Poly relationship. And if you haven't carefully delineated your rules to everyone involved, there can be a lot of miscommunication about what exactly cheating entails.

Traditional, heterosexual, monogamous couples are at a decided advantage in the arena of rules, because they have this societal construct of strict (more or less) fidelity laid out for them. The rules are pretty firmly encoded in our society, and people know that if they fool around with other people while in the bonds of a traditional, heterosexual, monogamous relationship that they are cheating.

For Poly and Open relationships the rules are not so clear cut, and in fact vary wildly from relationship to relationship, and sometimes even from bond to bond within the same relationship. This is part of what makes Polyamory and Open relationships so difficult. They require open and honest communication on the part of all parties as to what they expect and require from the relationship in order to work, even more so than traditional relationships. We don't have a blueprint set out for us by society telling us how to pull this off correctly. We're pretty much making it up as we go along.

Now, a book I recommend for anyone seeking to dip their toes in the great, big, wave-ridden pool of Polyamory is the book The Ethical Slut. And if you search for "ethical slut" or "polyamory" on Amazon.com you'll get quite a few hits, both for this book and others. READ THE CUSTOMER REVIEWS BEFORE BUYING. And not just for how many stars they give it, read the whole review. This will give you a good idea whether a given book is what you are looking for, or if it's just an adolescent justification for bad behavior in the guise of Polyamory. They do exist, trust me.

Also, realize that what may have worked for the authors of those books may well not work for you. Like I said, Poly and Open relationships vary wildly from relationship to relationship. Look at these books like guidelines or advice from a friend as opposed to the dictates of law.

My tips for successfully navigating an Open or Poly relationship follow:

1. Think about why you want to pursue an Open or Poly relationship. Do you really want to have this sort of relationship? Are you doing it to satisfy a need not being met in an existing relationship that could probably be addressed by talking with your partner? Are you doing this because your partner wants it, even if you don't? Are you doing it to "save" a relationship?

If your answer to any of the last three questions is yes, by no means should you be pursuing an Open or Poly relationship. Relationships are complex entities that only get exponentially complex with the addition of other people and their feelings. Either fix or end the one you have currently before attempting to add other people to the mix.

2. If you really do want an Open or Poly relationship and it's not because your partner is pressuring you or you're trying to save a relationship, be open with people you date from the get-go. Be honest from the start. It will weed out those who can't cope with what you want and save you from a world of heartbreak later on.

3. Accept that some people are not wired for Open or Poly relationships. Some people just feel most comfortable as Monogamous creatures, and that's ok. It is just as ok for someone to be Monogamous as it is for you to be Open or Poly.

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Be incredibly specific. Write the rules down if you need to.

5. Realize that cheating in an Open or Poly relationship, if not an honest misunderstanding of unclear rules, is just as bad as cheating in a Monogamous relationship. It is just as serious an offense, and you shouldn't tolerate anything from an Open or Poly partner that you wouldn't tolerate from a Monogamous one.

I think I've gone on quite enough about this subject. I'm sure I'll revisit it again in the future. I apologize for the lateness of this column. Between the holidays and a nasty bout of the flu, I got next to nothing done this entire last week.

Happy New Year everyone!

-Valerie