Talking about sex is incredibly difficult for a lot of people.  Believe it or not, even I have trouble telling Mr. Strangiato everything I want him to do or fantasize about.  I still get bashful when asking him for certain things, or telling him about the sexy movies in my head.  Expect to spend a lot of time blushing and stammering.

First, think about the things that your partner does to you that you like.  Now, when you're in bed the next time, try doing those things back to your partner.  You don't necessarily have to start with the really aggressively sexual things.  If you like it when your partner caresses your cheek, do that back to them.  If you like how they kiss you, kiss them back that way.  Once you're comfortable with the less aggressive gestures and actions, get a little braver, maybe play with their nipples like they play with yours.  Often, people's sexual actions and gestures reflect what they themselves enjoy. 

Also, touching is a good thing.  Spend time exploring how different areas of their body feel.  How does the skin on their neck feel when compared to the skin of their stomach?  How does that same skin feel against your lips as opposed to your hands? 

One thing that I have found that helps is to find books and stories that include elements that really get you hot.  Romance novels, fanfic, fantasy novels, vintage erotic literature, read books that include sex and bookmark the things that you really like.  Let your partner read these scenes.  You may want to be outside of the room when you have them read these. Also, reading sexy scenes in print allows you to get familiar with the vocabulary of sex at a safe remove. 

Some books I recommend for this are Louisa Burton's House of Dark Delights and the novels of Bertrice Small (my favorite historical romance author).  There are TONS of romance novels out there, historical and contemporary, some good, some not so good.  The one thing I will warn you about the Burton book is that the "BDSM" scene in it is not typical BDSM and should not be taken at face value. 

Also, pay attention to scenes in movies that you really enjoyed.  Maybe it's the scene with Neo and Trinity in the second Matrix movie.  Maybe it's the love scene from Enemy at the Gates.  Think about what it was in those scenes that really did it for you. 

One thing I do NOT recommend is watching porn for this.  Seriously, at this point in your sexual education porn will either horrify you, or (as it did with me) make you giggle hysterically leaving any chance of sexual action completely out of the question.  Mr. Strangiato and I can watch porn together NOW and look at it for ideas, but we're also incredibly specific about our porn both in quality and subject matter.

When you find something that you really like, and you have shown it to your partner, tell them what parts of it you would like to experiment with.  Again, expect to blush.  More experienced partners may want to help out with this process by playing a version of 20 questions.  Expect bashful nods and  flaming cheeks. 

The only thing that is going to get you over your awkwardness and cluelessness about sex is exploring it, be it in print, film or real life.  As you become more familiar with every aspect of sex and it demystifies for you, you will find that it is easier to ask for what you want or take the initiative. 

But pay attention to your feelings.  If something makes you feel bad or icky inside, listen to that feeling.  Remember, you do not have to do anything you don't want to.  You don't owe anyone sex in any way, shape or form. 

-Valerie