My boyfriend has said that he wants to engage in unprotected anal sex because he wants to feel the explosion and for me to feel it when he does me. We have both been tested and are std/hepatitis free and monogamous except for our respective spouses. But I don't think it is a good idea, even though I suspect it would feel good. Please help.
-Confidentially Yours
You're right, it's not a good idea.
"Barebacking" is having sex without a condom. This is something of which I do not approve unless you are engaged in a long-term monogamous relationship (or poly arrangement) in which everyone has been tested, and everyone is completely trustworthy. Mr. Strangiato and I had been together for about a year and had gotten engaged before I'd even think of letting him near me without a "raincoat."
There is a ring of truth to the old saying that if you sleep with someone, you're also sleeping with everyone they've slept with. Now, I'm going to presume you trust your boyfriend not to have lied to you about his test results. Do you also trust his spouse to have been tested and not lie about results? How about anyone else he or his spouse may be seeing?
That's the problem. While you may well be sleeping with someone who you feel is completely trustworthy, do they show similar good judgement in their other partners?
Then, add to this mix of trust and uncertainty that it is far easier to spread just about anything during unprotected anal sex than any other type of unprotected sex. And don't think I'm letting the heterosexuals off the hook either. I frown on unprotected sex for penile-vaginal intercourse for casual sex or short-term relationships, as well.
I do remember a time when the worst that could happen to you was that you might get something easily curable with a shot of penicillin or Herpes, which while not curable, wasn't life-threatening, either. That all changed in the 80s with HIV. Add to that the new antibiotic resistant strains of Syphillis that are floating around, and I find it hard to believe anyone even considers going bareback with someone with whom they aren't in a long-term exclusive relationship.
Mr. Strangiato and I always use condoms with our extracurricular partners. We get tested. We are very careful. Even so, there is still an element of risk involved in the fact that we have an open relationship. We take every step we can to mitigate that risk (condoms, dental dams, not sharing sex toys, etc...) but the risk is still there. Increasing that risk just doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
I hope that answers your question, and doesn't sound too preachy. Also, Happy Holidays to you and yours. I hope whatever Spirit of the Season you believe in brought you tons of loot and good feelings.
Edited to Add: My lovely, lovely web-designer brought something to my attention that I didn't think to mention. When you are getting tested, they will not test you for the entire spectrum of STDs/hep/HIV UNLESS YOU ASK THEM TO. Particularly if you're dealing with an HMO or other insurance issue. So, please, particularly women, who can remain asymptomatic until it's too late, request tests for all STDs/hep/HIV when you get your annual.
