I spend a lot of time telling people to investigate their local kink scene, but if you have no experience of the kink scene, what would you expect?

If all you knew about kink came from television series and the news, you'd probably think that everyone in the kink scene is too pretty to be real and evil, plotting murders and kidnappings to foster their depraved hungers, or seducing young, unsuspecting fools in order to brainwash them into their sick and twisted way of life.

As with many other subcultures depicted in the popular media the reality is far, far from what you see on TV or in the newspapers.  The truth is that most of the folks involved in the kink scene are just like you and me.  They're normal people with jobs and lives and hobbies and families, and the furthest thing from their minds is actually hurting someone.  The whole concept of having truly non-consensual sex with someone is anathema to the majority of them. 

One of the biggest offenders in perpetuating the myth of the "evil kinky people" is Law & Order.  In every episode that involves kink, the members of the kink scene are depicted as negligent and indifferent to human life at best and at worst, outright murderers seeking to sate some depraved hunger. 

As much as I like watching Law & Order, I have to change the channel when one of these particular shows comes on.  Why?  Because they are so very wrong.  About the only thing they've EVER gotten right, was one episode where they talk about the killer having been banned from a "sex club" for being too rough.  The rest of the time (and even in that particular episode) kinksters are portrayed as amoral scumbags who, if not actual criminals, are fast on the path to villainy.  And unfortunately, as I've stated before, this view of the kinky persists in many facets of the real world, to the detriment of a lot of people, such as with the practitioners of psychology and psychiatry. 

The whole concept that we just like different sensations, much as some people like really spicy food and some do not, seems to bother a lot of people.  And a lot of that has to do with how the media react to anything involving kink.  Instead of representing the few criminals whose crimes involve elements of kink as the rarities they are, the media act as though those isolated freaks are the sum and total of kink culture. 

Saying that these people are representative of all kink culture is like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer is representative of all white guys. 

One show that comes closer to getting it right is the original CSI.  The character of Mistress Heather is probably the closest to a real depiction of a pro-dom that I've ever seen on network television.  And the fact that Grissom isn't disgusted by her, but rather finds himself drawn to her, makes me a little bit happy.  Granted during the second or third show in which she appears, he blows it.  But he's blown it with every woman who's been attracted to him in the course of the show, so that really isn't a surprise or her fault. 

And hell, even on shows like HBO's Real Sex, or the Showtime counterpart, you don't get a realistic view of what the Kink/Fetish scene is like.  They show you all the super pretty people in the super awesome clothing... I'm guessing at least a few of you out there think you're not attractive enough to go to a Kink ball or whatever, due to these shows. 

Seriously, what should you expect when you start exploring kink culture?  Well, for starters, don't be surprised if everyone is stand-offish at first.  And in large part, this is due to their wondering if you've come looking to freak-watch or looking to have your negative stereotypes reinforced.  You'll see a lot of really normal and average looking people and some really pretty people just like everywhere else.  Some people will be wearing fancy fetish clothing, some will be wearing normal clothing, depending on the rules of the venue, some may be wearing little more than g-string and pasties, or may perhaps even be nude.

Once they've figured out that you aren't just a looky-loo or coming to have all of your suspicions about kink confirmed, they'll start to warm up, and you'll find that by and large they're a phenomenally warm and welcoming group of people.  At least the Seattle scene are, I can't speak for scenes elsewhere. 

One reason that the predatory kinkster stereotype you see in the media is largely false is that kink communities talk.  A lot.  They share information about who plays too rough, who doesn't respect boundaries or safewords, and once you've proven yourself untrustworthy you're going to find your pool of potential playmates drying up really quickly.  People will warn newbies to the scene about those who aren't "safe, sane and consensual."  And once you've earned that reputation it takes a hell of a lot of effort to change that.

Really, we're not a bunch of predatory rapists just waiting for new, succulent flesh to wander by, like we're some weird form of trapdoor spider.  We're people like anyone else, who just happen to like a little extra in our sex lives.  As long as what we do is done safely and between consenting adults, we're not hurting anyone and really, all we want is to be treated like human beings.   

-Valerie