That's right. No. No one ever "owes" anyone sex. There is no "wifely duty" that must be performed. There is no "I bought you dinner, you have to put out" that needs be honored. No. The only situation in which it is even remotely possible for sex to be "owed," is if you are patronizing a sex worker and money has changed hands. Even then, the sex worker has every right to say no to any act they wish, and even to stop the exchange at any time. And were it legalized and regulated, you would have the right to get your money back. As it is, you take your chances.
You do not have the right to access anyone else's body.
They may, if they choose, grant you the privilege of access to their body and sexual organs. But they don't have to. Ever.
I think this is one of the most important principles to having a good and healthy sex life, recognizing that other people have the same body autonomy that you do. When you fail to recognize that, well, then things get bad and messy. Refusing to take "no" for an answer will, at best, ruin a relationship or friendship. At worst, it makes you a rapist. And when you whine that "I spent X amount of money on So and So, they OWE me!" it just makes you look like a petulant child with no concept of other people as, well, people.
I wish I didn't feel that I had to write this, but from experience and from reading the news every day, I know that I do. And that makes me incredibly sad.
Sex is something that everyone should enjoy. Part and parcel of this enjoyment is being able to choose your sexual partners, when you have sex and how you have sex. And removing any one of these choices from someone is a VERY BAD THING.
Also, remember, while the default is to assume that men assault and women are assaulted, those roles can be reversed. When I say that anyone who refuses to take "no" for an answer is guilty of sexual assault, I mean anyone. Women can sexually assault men or other women, just as men can assault women and other men.
So please, remember that no one ever "owes" you sex. Sex is something that should be freely and enthusiastically given by both parties. Pressuring someone into sex, getting them too drunk to know what they are doing, or forcing them to perform sex acts isn't sex. It's rape. Remember that.
I will tackle the issues of Age of Consent Laws later, because otherwise this column would be incredibly long.
