We've determined that you're having sex, or planning to.  You've found someone you want to have sex with.  You've determined that they want to have sex with you, whether or not it is in the bounds of a relationship. 

So, what kind of sex do you want to have?

For most people this isn't such a difficult question.  "Good, duh!"  Yeah, but not everyone has the same definition of "good sex." 

Merriam Webster's second definition of "kinky," the one we're interested in is "relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also:  sexually deviant."  For many people the word "kinky" immediately brings to mind leather, cross-dressing, pain play, all sorts of "deviant" activity.  Then again, there are people for whom oral sex is "kinky," or any sort of sex that isn't strictly heterosexual, penile-vaginal, missionary position sex.

A relative term, "kinky" is a little difficult to pin down, but most people agree, they know it when they see it.  But do they really?  I once had a co-worker at the nightclub tell me she wasn't at all kinky, and didn't understand our fetish night crowd.  Ten minutes later she was telling me about how she liked it when her boyfriend tied her up.  I couldn't help myself, but I burst out laughing while I explained that liking to be tied up was indeed considered by most people to be "kinky."   But in her mind, because her boyfriend didn't spank her, nor did they wear leather fetish gear or use handcuffs, what they did didn't qualify as kinky.

While I heartily endorse sexual exploration, I think exploring a lot of the avenues of kink should come after some research and thought.  I recommend reading a lot of smut and looking at a lot of porn first.  If you look at pictures of women or men tied up in interesting positions, and you get that warm feeling in your gut, or lower, then perhaps a little exploration is in order.  Think about the things that interested you while you're masturbating, and if it helps speed things along, congratulations, you may just have discovered a kink. 

For some people kink may never get past looking at porn, reading smut and thinking about it while masturbating or having sex, or visiting chat rooms online.  However, it is possible to meet like-minded individuals who would be interested in teaching you about kink or exploring kink with you. 

As always, I recommend exploring online, and seeing if your city/region has an active kink scene.  If you're lucky enough to live somewhere that has a sex-positive "toy store" like Babeland or Good Vibrations, go shopping.  Not only will they have smut, but they often give and sponsor workshops on kink, and will also have flyers for local fetish nights and other organizations. Go to these workshops, fetish nights and meet-ups, talk to people.  If you hit it off with someone, ask around about them.  Do the other members of the community trust them? 

If you don't think you are kinky, but your partner is or wants to explore, I'm a big proponent of what Dan Savage calls being "Good, Giving and Game," within limits.  If it just never occurred to you that something might be sexy, but you have no objections, give it a shot.  But I won't tell you to do something that really bothers you.  And remember, that someone else's kink is not an attack on you.  People frequently don't have a lot conscious choice in what turns them on.

Some of us can look back at events in our lives that may have inspired, shaped or formed our respective kinks.  I still think fondly of a young, leather clad Adam Ant prancing across a stage with a riding crop in his hand, and the sexy spy women in Golden Earring's "Twilight Zone" video.  Both good and bad experiences can lead to the formation of kinks, and no one's really sure what or why. 

In the grand scheme of things though, as long as everyone involved is of legal age and enthusiastically consenting to all activities, there is nothing wrong or bad about kinks.  Now, if you discover you can't perform sexually at all without the stimulation of your kink, this elevates it to the level of "fetish," and I mean "fetish" in the strictest sense of the word, rather than the catch all term for kink it has become. If a "fetish" interferes with your ability to enjoy sex any other way, then you may want to see someone about that. 

However, for most people kink is neither a problem nor a pathology, just a little extra to spice up their sex lives.  There is nothing wrong with kink or the expression thereof so long as you behave responsibly and respectfully towards the other people involved.  Enjoy. 

-Valerie