Recently, last weekend in fact, a bunch of friends had a "Camp out." Those who wanted to, stayed sober, but there was partying in the swimming pool. One of the new people is a transsexual woman named J. I introduced myself to her about a month ago. Never had any real contact with her until this past weekend. We talked. I liked her. Others in our "group" made mention of her making remarks about her sex life. Like "I never knew orgasms could feel like this." Very intimate remarks. And she and her 17 year old daughter have a very racy relationship. Language, situations, scaring each other in a haunted building... Basically, she sounds like a 17 year old horny girl. I don't know what is involved in become a woman, after being male for 30+ years, but I'm guessing it's like going through a *puberty* of sorts. She is possibly relating to her daughter on that teenage level.
My problem is, I have to have "the talk" with her about her boundaries. She made so many people uncomfortable. I know she wants to have friends that will accept her but other women seem to find her a threat. Even the guys really don't want to hear her sex stories. How do I tell her to shut that part of your life off when the rest of us are ALWAYS making sexual innuendos and fucking around. I sincerely do not want to insult her. It took an awful lot of guts to change an entire life in that way. I so respect her. I just don't really want to know how a "cock feels in my pussy." (I DO know that part!) Do I have any right to tell her she can't say these things?
It makes me want to cry.
While I haven't gone through the process of changing my gender, I do have several friends who have, and a couple have indeed mentioned the experience with all the hormones being something like puberty, only more intense. So, on some level the hormones may be a factor.
However, what is going on here sounds like more of a boundary issue. What J sees is you guys having these innuendo-laden conversations, and she wants to join in the fun. What she doesn't see is the fact that you've all hung out together for years and have formed the intimacy you now have over time. Some people don't get that it takes time to build that kind of friendship.
The other part of the problem would appear to be that she just doesn't appear to quite "get" where the boundaries lie. I can appreciate a good innuendo as much as the next girl, but "feeling a cock in my pussy" is not an innuendo under any circumstances. In fact, it's kind of the anti-innuendo and definitely an overshare with most people you just met a few weeks previous. I think that it would not be out of line for you to perhaps suggest that she not be quite so graphic, at least until she's gotten to know you guys better and everyone's more comfortable. Trans or not, that sort of outburst from someone I had JUST met would probably startle even me.
Transitioning can be a very isolating experience, and I would bet that an awful lot of the inappropriate behavior is stemming from a desire to belong and be "one of the gang." You say she's hanging out with her 17 year old daughter, and that's good. It is so awesome that her daughter accepts her, but there may be a touch of boundary blurring going on because J is afraid to lose that acceptance. And it may well be that her daughter is the only gal pal she has currently.
As for the other women feeling threatened by J. It's unfortunate, but not uncommon. A lot of people fear situations of which they have no experience, and Trans people are still uncommon enough that for a lot of people the whole idea is a little frightening. Knowledge will go a long way towards dispelling a lot of the fear.
No woman, Trans or otherwise, learns to be a woman overnight. There is a lifetime of societal conditioning that creates the subconscious and unconscious habits, ticks, mores and behaviors that most women who were born female take for granted. It takes a lot more time to LEARN them later on in life, particularly if you were socialized to another gender first. J is going to have a hard time unlearning the "male" conditioning that was endemic to her time before transition, and then learning the "female" conditioning we take for granted.
I think it's awesome that you are willing to talk this over with her and give her another chance, and that no one wants to just boot her from the Group. That sounds promising. Just try to be kind, but clear. If she asks for examples, provide them. Explain that you have all hung out together for a long time, and that they'd have a hard time with a new someone trying to jump into the thick of it right away, regardless of their gender status.
If any of my Trans readers would like to email me with tips on how Not A City Girl At All could sensitively and kindly handle this situation while being supportive, that would be amazing. And I would gladly pass them on to her.
In closing, I would like to apologize for my unnounced and long hiatus. As much as I would love for you all to believe that I spend my days lounging in a peach and plum silk-draped boudoir, lined with shelves full of leather-bound editions of deliciously naughty books, that is, sadly, not so, and reality has not been kind of late. However, things are improving dramatically and I promise more frequent updates. Thank you for all your support, and patience.
-Valerie
